Ikarus.

Please Disregard.

2010-02-12T21:23:00.003-06:00

What is listed below is a culmination of some random threads of thought from almost two years ago.For your entertainment I present today some spectacularly blah moments:

*A procession of lust marches past
you stare in wonder as a child
you wait upon purity again
you practice with reverence
only to lose what it meant
and then you cringe
with an ill-veiled dismay
of what has passed you by

*The stage is set
Neon lights are out
The head is spinning appropriately
Our lips lock like leeches
The heart is frothy with an alien anticipation
but my eyes remain with you

*A foggy ruin of space
takes a tumble
a long long way down
there is someone at the door
open it with grace
take your best,your precious
give him a bloody mouth before he leaves

*A pot of patience to hold
when i can't stand still
A pot of patience for you
when i do what i will
A pot to smoke
A pot to break your head
when you start to sink
remember what mama said

*A jewel moon on my ankles
trailing my feet
biting off my shadow
with love teeth
what a way to be lost

*Maybe it's time you know how the story ends.
We all burn on the stake with our own crosses on the neck.
Desecration is the end to everything that we were and the beginning to what we never were meant to be.

*When you cannot see what you really feel.
when you cannot hear the song but it runs through you alive occasionally.
when you cannot smell the beer anymore.
when you walk like you never did
when you cannot talk like you did
you are just getting old,you pig.

*Be gentle.Hush child.
As gentle as the drilling of a cavity.
As gentle as love itself and never as violent as it may be.
I dub thee mud

*A sun tan from a happiness long past is all that remains.
let it burn let it burn.
to ashes
to peace

*I want to be a good person.
I want to be loved and respected for what I am.
I want to burn in the flame.
I know I am ugly.
I know you will never love me back.
I hope you will come and give me a bear hug.

*As electricity runs through the wires leading to the 'thing' we call a guitar,it seems to have crossed over into my own skin.
teeth clattering,wrists blue,veins turned inside out,eyes contorted,mouth stitched in reverence.
so lovely.
so kind.

*The lack of love is not a lack of life.
The lack of a guitar is that precisely.
A lack of all lacks.

*Who dealt you the sucker punch that you can't stand on your hind legs anymore?
You useless piece of humanity where is your spinal cord heading to?
Tie it down,wedge it in place before it slips away

*A dream trapped in a net,it shall not betray me.
A dream clutched in the fists firmly as i come your way.
A dream frozen in my refrigerator in the ice tray and poured down a bloody mary,

*The love of life bottled up into whiskey and gobbled down with pretzels.
Going down smoking up

*It is unusually satisfying to watch a wound bleed itself out till it recedes into nothing much more than your own flesh.

*Nirvana is what we all think we are getting.But we all get dealt with brutality and Dimmu sometime.
Life gets like the backstreet boys eventually.You are left clutching your backside like some hip hop freak gone wrong.

*Free yourself out of the gallows.Embrace all your loveliness.You cannot be only bones and flesh.They rot.There is something more permanent within you.
There is divinity.Mud is wherever my feet don't go.

*What a phase this is.
What a lovely feeling to be happy and free of care!
To be without any burdens but only the singular consciousness of being alive and well .
Of being the center of the universe.
Of being all.

Everliving,Everloving,Everlasting

2010-02-12T21:15:00.002-06:00

These are strange days
I burn with purpose
I find no reason to write anymore
I find no anger
I find healing
I find flowers
I find lucidity
I live
I love
I smile
I cry sometimes
I feel helpless and inadequate sometimes
Yet I feel gratitude flowing through me and into the universe
And I am overwhelmed with good-will
When misery is your only company
When pain seems comforting and grief ebbs away violently
I pray you can gather that last sliver of strength and outlast your foes
Still the artless mind
Beg to differ with the cynic
Be insolent if you will
For you must believe that you do not toil for naught
However severe these last few miles may seem
Great things lie within reach today
I imagine if there is any worthy counsel one must be coerced to receive as a child
It should not be devoid of three astute certainities
Hope is everliving
Kinship is everloving
Kindness is everlasting.

A Leap of Faith

2009-09-30T01:38:00.002-05:00

All that is great and worthy of ambition is based on the premise of sacrifice.There is no concept of kind provision and there is certainly no pandering of service to the needy.

Suffer with grace in your time of need,manifest diligence and dream as god himself would fashion his most prized creation.Architect a grand future for the self and realize it tirelessly-until you break and then rise once again.
If there was an easier path,I have been denied such passage and rightly so.My choices shall not be ordinary-there was nothing substantial ever achieved by being so. Happiness is so fleeting a state of mind that any solely connected pursuit is eventually proven trivial.What remains true is the dream,regardless of the permutation of consequences if realization is completed indeed.
I will admit that your houses look warm and the fireplaces are inviting in the biting cold-the smiles are rather broad and yet this will be inadequate.I observe your mundane existence wistfully sometimes but primarily my thoughts are derived of sympathy for being unable to attach any meaning in your lives.
While I do envy your worldly happiness and very obvious comfort: it is nearly not enough to eclipse a dream as grand as mine.This is one leap of faith I will make very gladly,without the slightest trace of hesitation-painful as it sometimes proves to be and yet exhibiting a universe of promise.

P.S- What follows is a small chant for us to keep going.I imagine that if I were to ever meet you,I would implore you to value yourself.

"Dearest,

My most sincere sympathy lies with this large wave of stupidity that defines mankind.One that feeds off the baser things in life-I pray that you rise above it and find meaning in all that you do,all that you have become,all that you aspire towards.

May all that you seek truly be worthy of the wonderous creature that you are.For if there is a god-then you are creation in all it's awe-inspiring glory.

-I.K "

The Neverending

2009-09-30T01:31:00.002-05:00

I am thinking of you yet again,little one
I was dreaming of you and me sitting out in the sun
Of summers spent and fences bent
Clear skies and warmth that does not deny
Feet that tread gently on damp grass
Yet like furious wind,days race past
So long it has been but one can tell
These hands that lock into one another so well
Forget childish games if you will
But will you not agree that ever so mild breeze lingers still?
Reminiscence should never cringe
Fondness overflows and pain is but a lunatic fringe
Sad days and happy days all mesh into one
Kind love prevails in a fading sun
Please forgive my unsightly indulgence
Though this old one has failed you vastly
It has been so oppressive a wait alone
I have steadied faint breath and brittle bone
You are to leave but I must insist
Stay awhile before you vanish into the mist
Forgive this human figurine that violates all sense
Will you provide this vapid one a tiny wisp of innocence?
For I have loved you so long
Time itself is lost upon me.

All that Remains

2008-06-11T21:19:00.004-05:00

When I was love,I was all that reigned

That sense is lost,of life consumed in pain.
Comprehension never to dawn upon us
Those hymns are silent in shame.
We let ourselves be washed away to the open seas
All that remains is absorbed in a salty breeze.
These stars are the tears shed to ruin
This half light flees from sight towards oblivion.
I am here I am now
Our love is past and bled.

A Reminder

2008-06-11T21:17:00.005-05:00

I want to stop feeling
I want to stop hoping
I want to stop expecting
I want to stop wanting
I want back the void in my life
I will restore it by blotting you out
I will bring it back now
regardless of myself.

Forgiveness

2008-06-11T21:11:00.004-05:00

The end of days is here,
An end to innocence.
Carry me to tranquil light,
Wisdom shall flow once again.
Love in the air we breathe and so ineffable it remains.
To peace we let it burn,my friends.
To peace we raise a glass of wine.
Today I give all of you, my mercy sublime.

Sigh with Happiness

2008-06-11T21:08:00.007-05:00

I am not much more than a lost little girl

My days seem inadequate for all the love there is in this world.
When the sky sighs with foreboding and whispers resound
Blackest eyes burn with such seeking,they only confound.
You enchant me but i fail to understand,Woe is me
what more can i gather,what more could i be.
Wisdom is always crawling along somewhere in the grass
as we walk bare-feet with ill-contained hope,alas.
Life seems spent,happiness lies eons away
yet always meandering,always found in mysterious ways.

The Pain Killer..

2007-11-30T20:31:00.003-06:00

What is to be done to relieve pain?
I looked for over-the counter prescriptions and under-the counter remedies.
I tried to stone myself into believing there is no real sense in the whole lot of us.There never was and try as we may ,there will never be any substance to our our work.
I tried looking into the mirror to trace the source of the pain.There is no open wound,no gash,no seeming portal to this creature that slithers within me.
I tried to puff rings of smoke from a borrowed cigarette,only to find them flee into open space,taking with them all answers that they may have possibly held.I could never slit my wrists even in my worst moments,never act heroin chic,never be the groupie,never experience unadulterated joy ,never drench myself in promiscuity and the 'trips' they all spoke of :i never had.I have been a "wanna-be" for nearly all of my life and the time i can remember assents to that fact. My list of failed endeavors to savor worldly filth is a very long one.I can be confirmed to be an invalid when it comes to matters of being what one may colloquially term "badass".
I could never be Miss sunshine,Miss popular,Miss nice or even Miss fucktard.I was to be suspended midway between the two worlds.I have lived effectively my whole adolescence in a deep seated vacuum and if there was such a thing such as switching lives or bodies I would have done that cheerfully but as I understand now:rather thoughtlessly.I have been a dreg of humanity and I have felt worthless so many times that I feel ancient.Out of this all this muck that i speak of but do not elaborate,has arisen one singular truth and that is what I am today.
I have learnt things beyond my years and have yet found myself incapable of learning social mores and a favorable demeanor. I have nearly always been misunderstood by others or perhaps I am a lot more retarded than I take myself to be.
I thought solitude brought comfort and "gothic" was the only proper way to be.
I thought one could live in isolation if one were to truly understand it's bountiful gifts.The power of an introspection so searing that it would tear apart oceans and bring enlightenment right to your toenails.It would let you breathe every gasp of air as it were to become a part of you and the ground beneath your feet would seem to give way to an other world that is known only to those who treat human contact as an appendage, that is easily sliced off when deemed necessary .I thought I was a free bird,free from all earthly bindings,free from emotions that weaken the human race,free from it all.I was surely a cold hearted,selfish schnook who wouldn't blink twice to leave the people beside me in a flash.Yes,I was a thoughtful bitch-the worst kind.
But really...I am just an ordinary person with an even more ordinary line of thought that has skittered wildly to all corners and polarities, for the bearer is too befuddled to make things linear again.
I will admit that I am on this morally challenged quest for power,this essential crusade...and the fact that I live is all the reason I will ever need for putting together my skewed logic.So you ask how does possession of life relate to power? If Gandhi or Martin Luther or Shakespeare or any great being of importance is 'dead',does that drain their power?Does that render them useless and are they rolling in their graves for the realization of their own incapabilities?
I do not know.I am not smart enough and I bow my head down in my lack to explain as to what really consists power or what happens after death ,for I am not even sure as to what lies before death.All I can do is present a what-if,as you are well aware: my creativity surpasses my intelligence.
What if life is a grand illusion and i am really merely experiencing everything in the fruit of my sub conscience?
What if death was the only true awakening from this reverie?
What if my pain is the only true response to my real surroundings and everything else is induced upon me with glee by some conglomeration of twisted minds?
What if there is no god?
What if I am a dream,an imagined being,a tragic figure,a black satirical comedy in the making?
What if I am the creator of this universe,decked in my earthly trappings,forgetful of my own divinity?
In the same vein,what if I can change my life by believing I am gifted and endowed with seamless power?
Is it a crime,is it blasphemy if we fools;born to blaring mediocrity- were to allow ourselves to give in to megalomania?

I live an ordinary life in an extraordinary way :thoughtfully,painfully,weighed down by questions and I bear my own weight with a stoic stupidity.I look like I had a bad hair day that went on far too long but I still walk with maddening nonchalance.Yes:I am delusional,I take myself too seriously.I believe I can accomplish things that people do not expect of me or even anticipate in fanciful thinking.I feel intoxicated with a sense of hope and that is what keeps me going.Such a formidable reserve of hope comes only from having experienced a true abyss,hopelessness in the raw state,helplessness in all its sickening glory.
It takes time for one to realize that you cannot experience life in the same way that others do.I have taken my own merry time to digest such a bitter pill.You must create happiness for your own self.You must envision a dream by yourself-for yourself.
I say that it takes time because I still catch myself looking through other people's lives and staring at their picture albums with a sense of longing :
Oh -to have felt,to have been there,to have viscerally touched the walls of the room they all sat in,to have held hands with loved ones.
To have guzzled the beer with friends,to have been the one "hot chick" in the party ,to have been the really nice girl in the center of that permanent circle of friends,to have rolled a couple of joints here and now and moshed in good fun,to be funny and smart and sociable and likeable and gregarious and so on.
To have been all that you never were?Or even worse will never get to be...
Solitude isn't a happy place to be in all the time.People need other people to feel human,to feel well and to simply not feel dead.I am human,all too human in that respect.
I am not a cold selfish bitch.I am not devoid of emotion and I brim over with passion for life and I want to be loved by others because I have so much love to give.It just seems sometimes that there are no takers for it. I can speak articulately to you about anything under the sun but I cannot put across my love for the ones dear to me.I love my family to death and that comes as a surprise to me after all this time.I was never vocal in expressing my emotions -for who likes being declared a sappy idiot?Now that I am away from home,I feel everything in all it's glory.I understand love and I live every moment with it.
The pain killer is living for the self.I knew that always.I thumped my chest proudly as an existentialist. Sartre,Nietzsche :fellas! bottoms up!Living for oneself is an end to itself.
What I failed to see was that the self is yet again a delusion,one that I must give up.My love for others expands the self and as long as I love,I am not merely my own body but also an embodiment of the love I contain for so many.Their pain is hence my pain and I must help them even if you were to deem me selfish in wanting to relieve myself of this dreadful situation.I am no do-gooder,I am no saintly creature who will change lives for millions of people.I will not venture into third world countries and slave for welfare of the underpriviedged.I will not be remembered for such worthy acts.
I am incapable of that.I am too weak for that and yet I daresay that I am strong.
Yes,I have conveniently chosen to invest all belief in myself and all that has been granted to me is highly prized.I look at the world with my monoculars and god is nowhere in the picture.Pardon my insolence!
I choose to believe in my own strength;I choose to embrace responsibility and that single act gives me enough courage to move on with conviction to last for ages.Leading a life conscious of the purest love that my family has provided me with, is what I must do.It is what I have been always trying to do even when failing to acknowledge it.
My quest for power,so to speak has a root cause after all.There is no happiness more lovely than when present in a collection of loved ones.
Pehaps I have found a remedy for my ailment afterall?Perhaps not.
Only time will tell and until then,this will be our secret.

To Mnemosyne

2007-05-09T08:32:00.002-05:00

I have lost a certain fragment of my self in the now.
It is strange to sense the tranquility that time becomes when purposeless.
So I that is how I am here in the woods once again.
I stared into thy stream and all memory rushed torrential.
All memory cold and oppressed in it's heaviness.
Cascades of deeds and of knots of regrets.
I plead guilty to ignorance.
What is to become of me?
I ask you.
What is to be undone to set free this wrangle of chains?
What can my pithy form engage in as to bring about change.
A change so visual and absolutely massed in clarity.
One that leaves no trails of doubt behind.
Only flowers of ethereal grace remain.
Blooming of me,my life and all that I am empowered with.
Can I lift boulders and tear apart the sky?
Can I deliver a blow that would strike he who is named and yet not known nor understood-God?
Can I be more than what I am this moment?
I cannot.
Am I unable or is 'stubborn' more befitting?
No.No.No.No.
I choose to speak and inform you.
I choose to speak through this void of silence in between.
I am willing to change.
I am willing to exhibit all prowess that I shall ever possess .
I am willing to perform even the most rudimentary tasks.
Without loss of grandeur,without a frown upon this face.
I am willing to live.
I am striving with my limbs ,sinewy in diligence.
This moment and each one that precedes it.
Each one that succeeds it.
These flowers are my remembrance.
They smell of sweat and blood and anguish.
Of love and wrath and tears unshed and smiles misplaced in a wreckage.
Of hope and a divinity so eternal that it shall never perish.
Treasure them with as much care as you hold your possessions.
It is time for me to walk away now into the darkness.
Before dawn comes upon the sky and restrains me.
I will go about living this life in the manner that deems best fit to me.
I will not be perturbed about this aggravation hence forth.
You are entrusted with my life's substance.
All that blooms in my hand lies afloat in thy stream.

Ikarus Went Fishing For Pain.

2007-01-21T09:57:00.002-06:00

My name is Ikarus.

I belong to cosmic space. My existence is all permeating and I reach beyond all perception of human time.
I was not born. I simply came into being.

Like a gust of wind that flies into your face one forlorn evening.

Like a distant star that twinkles away separated only by infinitesimal distances in between.

Like a drop of water that wakens to find itself absorbed in a cloud, aware only of surroundings in urgent immediacy.

I do not know where I came from or what entities supported my form or even what may have been my fate.
I only rose to the consciousness that I am now divine.
I am supreme, omnipresent, magnificent and unique.

So I am to speak about things that may seem incomprehensible but if you have one iota of unearthly sense you would understand.
I am endowed with wisdom that you are never to attain and abilities that shall never lie within your reach. Your lifetime is deemed inadequate and not wrongly so.
I refrain myself from speaking of your pithy body form, it’s averageness being as blaringly obvious as it is. I have spent a few units of human time here, perched upon vacant space. I cannot really define what you call physical location, for I am not concerned with such inconsequential matters. I lie somewhere between darkness and eternal light. That alone is how I define direction and that is cosmic physiognomy.
In your highly limited capacities as an entity, there lies a singular certain matter of interest.
Your Corpus callosum houses your Encephalon. My lone source of enjoyment has been observation of your thought processes, which are by far superior to your gross ignorance. There are thought lines created every moment, with every fleeting phase of human emotion.

I mock your little pods of cerebral matter, concentrated into utter sloshness.
I mock the prison cells that you have locked yourself into. I have only antipathy for the various lines that you have etched within your intellect and all appendages that you cling to so unassailingly. I mock all human sense of wealth and productivity. I stare unblinkingly at splattered blood and severed flesh. I have no sympathy for your inability to deal with recurring pain and I have trampled roses laid upon graves with utmost stoicism. You build structures upon dirt-physical and human, with such care and concern.
Only to pull them down and pick apart with whatever you find at your disposal.

The only aspect that I find worthy of any respect is your thought process.
It is dynamic and entirely displaced such that I cannot help speaking with with a certain respect, unwilling as it may be. I have sensed lovely thought lines, radiating with unblinking clarity.

Lines criss-crossed amongst each other with inhuman purity and care.
Lines that are emitted into space and conjoin to utter brilliance.
Lines intersecting after long spaces of time and those that diverge for no fathomable reason. Lines that recede into your pods yet again for lack of faith. Those that never could gather enough momentum to rise and be whole.
Individuals with nothing but incorrigible vacuum.

It is time for me to pass onto the other world. I have spent enough time entangled in juvenility of varying degrees. I have skittered about with unbecoming anticipation.What was to be mere observation graduated to obsessive compulsions to alter your world.
To pick your thought lines and sink them in the oceans and then again tie them to trees.
To traverse cosmic space with these liquid threads of intellect. Yet I have never been able to create or destroy such lines by my own self. That is one power you are equipped with. Incomprehensibly.

Your world seems to have infected me with a maddening sense of warmth. The glass window that I pressed upon to seek your world, has acquired undue significance. Even as I stand here to bid adieu, I feel compressed into earthly state. I realize I have been corrupted. I have shamed divinity. I take my leave with bowed head.

Sickness recedes into pain.

PSYCHOANALYSIS CASE 235433:

***** aka Ikarus is a classic example of a very convoluted sense of awareness of all immediacy. She does not realize what true surroundings are to be and conjures visions of diversified sickness. Her identity seems to be highly conflicted and Ikarus is nothing but a manifestation of her gloom and inherent rage.

She pours scorn over all earthly processes, with the singular exception of thoughts.

She presents a rather complex case of psychosis and schizophrenia to a rather selective level. She was born to averageness and modest means.

She exhibits uncommon articulacy but gets enmeshed in self-destructiveness.

Her parents were individuals, failed in the ability to convert potentiality to concrete achievement. Her father was gripped with alcoholism and her mother subsequently lost all sense of normalcy. Their family tree is uniform and lacking in any other exhibition of dysfunctionality.

They recovered from all strains, bound together by love and desire for survival. Yet none of them ever healed completely and ***** is cursed with primal intellect.

She has been unable to trust human beings and is entirely incapable of forging emotional bonds. I hereby entrust you with her case, for her therapy is going nowhere and I find her to be an abyss of misplaced sorrow.

There is not much that can be done,for she is bent upon inflicting pain on herself with regularity. I would advise future specialists to look upon her with sympathy for empathy is not something that can be demanded from any sane individual.

All You Need Is Love.

2006-10-23T01:27:00.002-05:00

O.K i shall take up a BIG,no make that HUGE word today.
Pop your eyes out fellas,all you need is love!
Love.
A complex word it is.
4 letters of unadulterated provocation.
The choicest expletive that brings forth utter rapture.

Sourced from wikipedia:
"Love is a profound feeling of tender affection for or intense attraction to another. It is considered a deep, ineffable feeling shared in passionate or intimate interpersonal relationships."

Did that help you?It didn't help me.
I am not interested on views and generic perspectives on it.
Let me tell you what my interpretation sounds like.
Love is an emotion.(priceless!!!:D)
It is not a thought,because it can not be discarded at whim.You can not dispense with it that easily.
It is a composite emotion that gets ingrained in your head NOT the heart.
"The heart is a hollow, muscular organ in vertebrates, responsible for pumping blood through the blood vessels by repeated, rhythmic contractions, or a similar structure in annelids, mollusks, and arthropods."(wikipedia again)

Did that sounds a lot like it could be responsible for being in love???
Did it sound one bit capable of being able to influence your emotions in any manner?
Let alone emotions,this organ will not even influence your thoughts!
Your head is -->brain, eyes, ears, nose & mouth (all of which aid in various sensory functions, such as sight, hearing, smell, and taste).
A consistent number of chemicals are present in the brain when people testify to feeling love.Testosterone, Oestrogen, Dopamine, Norepinephrine, Serotonin, Oxytocin, and Vasopressin..... All these being involved in various stages within a single relationship.
So i can very safely say that love is a consequence of these very chemicals housed by your brain,a component of the head.
Your head is essentially ruling this emotion.Your sensory organs only go further to amplify it and very soon this emotion starts ruling your head in turn.
That is why i think most people get so affected by this one emotion that they cease to function properly/suitably in their daily life.
But then again this can not be generalized.
There is no dearth of people who tell me everyday--
" No No..it isn't really different.The changes are mostly positive in nature.Love doesn't affect you as an individual.All that talk about the union of 2 souls is bullshit.Besides the physical aspects(S.E.X),there isn't a real communion!You are two individuals not 2 Siamese twins,conjoined for life."
I'd say that talk is bullshit!
What they speak of is not love.It is merely a medium of keeping 2 people together..something i call A relationship--A ship that shall never sink,A ship to take two people ashore and save one from sickness and the monotony that life is seeped in.
They speak of relationships that they have encircled,parameters that they seem to have defined about themselves and not really about love.
Love is what starts with a certain basal attraction,a physical link between 2 individuals,a stimulus that sets up a chain of events for the future.
That stimulus may be purely primal or consisting of actual blood ties( as in the case of familial love).
The attraction between 2 people could vary from purely physical to purely intellectual.
There is nothing such as 'LOVE without reason or stupid love'.
You will not be besotted with a certain scent,odor,baritone or anything so entirely sensory.
They may perhaps make you 'notice' certain people but that really doesn't equal love.
Yes,this is the step where in you are 'attracted' to them.
What your brain chooses to do with that initial attraction is what really decides whether you are in 'love' now!
If your brain is able to find things/qualities/aspects/features to the person in question that are capable of enthralling you with a certain constancy,YES that is when you are in love.There is nothing such as 'true love' for what is not true is false and hence fictitious.
So if you think a girl is very pretty,looks great in skirts and has fabulous eyes.You may go ask her out but are you in love really?
Attraction substantiated by concrete desire for complete oneness is love.It is state of mind,an emotion that stays while it finds you receptive to it's needs.
Love is the not the dissolution of the self but the union of 2 entities in absoluteness.
You are what you are certainly but you DO become more than your own pithy form.
You are a diphthong of 2 existences wound by the same thread.
A relationship can be built very easily without love,it really is no big deal.
Because more often than not people are looking for union not deeper or more consuming than of carnal nature.They build relationships not because they are looking to be at one with a significant other but only because THEY are SHIT SCARED of being left alone.
No you do not need another individual to complete you.You are lovely evermore in your form.That is why one can live without love from external sources for one has an inexhaustible reserve of it for me,myself and my own life.
Your love for the self can compensate more often than not for failure to find love elsewhere.So,having not found anything more whole than mere attraction which is temporary at best does not worry me for i know that there is no glass ceiling to hit with respect to myself.
I am content for now with concrete desire---to be happy--to make myself happy without causing undue pain to the people around me.
I shall not contend with remnants of wobbly faith and staggering belief in the 'other'.
I shall wait till I find myself ready to be consumed into the true oneness that lies within love.There really is no set of requirements that need to be fulfilled but merely a matter of when you find the right person,someone who holds their own in every aspect.
They may not be superlative in every sense but need to appeal to your head in totality.
I shall not meet them thinking of what potential they are with and WHAT all you can do to improvise their lives in a supreme manner.Love is when you are capable of accepting 'him/her' as they are in complete honesty.Else you fall into that trap of being in love with not a person but a mere fictitious persona/a mere figment of your own imagination.Reality will bite your dreams to dust and bring them down before your very eyes.Yes,after all life is not very forgiving.
Love doesn't just go away/leave/disappear and no you do not fall out of love or fall in love for that matter.
You do not stop loving people,you only put an end to that part of your brain that was enraptured with them in the first place.SO the process is completely voluntary and not something that can happen one day when you just wake up.
BINGO.Poof,I am not in love with you.The tooth fairy told me 'We are history.'
Naw naw doesn't happen.In fact that shall never happen.
When people break up,they put away a certain section of their emotions.They keep it ready to be replaced.Relationships with the foreword of:"Testing currently and may be replaced if necessary" DO NOT work and will NEVER sum up to anything consequential.

P.S-
What do i need? Let me think.
Yes,i need someone who shares a certain intellectual plane with me and is capable of treating thoughts as not mere burden but essential steps to great wisdom.
I need someone who is not afraid of pain but chooses not to go about inflicting it on the ones around him for mere kicks.
Someone who could talk about Nietzsche,Guevara,Manson,Tolstoy or Merlot in the same breath as about cob,cof,opeth or amon amarth !
Realistically speaking,yes he needs to be taller than me-i am 5'9' myself (hehe)!
And he needs to NOT be a pauper exactly for 'money rules'.
On second thoughts,it wouldn't matter much for my own ambitions in life require great power and considerable green bills.
But gesture counts and being treated like a lady,being pampered counts for bonus points.
:D
lights out

Words Out Of A Fool

2006-10-18T01:26:00.003-05:00

You inhabit a world composed of sprightly love,
thrust upon the pain that life turns out to be.
Days fill my glasses to the brim with your blood
but i hunger for more of you.
Your eyes are wells of sorrow and
i reach into them melancholy yet whole.
But really,have i lost those specks of wisdom
in my love for you?
Have i given up on what my head says?
Mere logic cannot defy the reasons that love provides.
Only love itself can undo the wave of insanity that sweeps across.
Put away this compulsiveness locked within me.
Wake me from this swirling reverie.
Until then,i am not ashamed of my preposterous stupidity.
I puff my chest out and stand a few feet taller than everyone.

Sombre Septembre

2006-09-26T01:43:00.002-05:00

Swinging from trees with no root,
crippled stays the night as ever.
Sombre Septembre lost in the brook of reason
was never to be left alone,
He lay dying amidst us all.
We drank red wine,
Consumed in the depths of abysmal grief
too choked to speak.
A few good words,
A prayer in silence be heard.
To the peace of his blessed soul,
His red blood,the stench of sweat and the tears he never showed ,
Noble was he and may he rest in peace.
So as we speak leaves fall,
colors blur becoming one single unit of haze.
Shadows lie in the twilight by the Sycamores once again.
Smiles are specters from the ruins,let us put them away,
Sombre Septembre is gone but his pain stays.
He looks down mocking upon the rest of us,
whispering nothingness into the air.
He stays in my thoughts,alive in my rage.
Feeble rage that bleeds away today
to no heed.

The Theory Of Recurring Chaos

2006-09-20T19:21:00.002-05:00

So here I am again.
Back with a bang.I'm here today with a theory propounded a week back by a great philosopher,tipped in the highest scales of quantum wisdom.
Now now now,let us ease your head.Without further ado,i bring to you
THEORY OF RECURRING CHAOS.

Let us now elaborate on what this magnanimously important sounding piece really refers to:

I would call this an area of comatose psychology.A theory dedicated entirely to this concept of lethargic inertness manifest in our heads.
We talk of people in coma,this is psychology afflicted with coma.It is comatose because it is the study of what makes us sluggish and vegetate to a state of nothingness.
Why are we so tired,devoid of all purpose?
Is it fatigue from being over-worked,underpaid,shorn of motivation and reason?
Or is it so much ALCOHOL/narcotics....
Why am i so tired nowadays all the time,inspite of having accomplished nothing of much consequence.
I shall alter the statement..having accomplished nothing.
Why am i yawning right now,in the wee hours of morning...

HERE'S WHY.

Chaos is recurring..to the extent that it is at times equated(wrongly) to permanence.
It is inherent --belongs deep in the system that mankind has created along the centuries.
Our society is bound to be chaotic because it is structured that way.We are tired and fatigued at times without coherent reason because of this.
Because though we ourselves are not a medium of chaos,we are a part of it deeply.
It is like being thrown into the fire and be consumed,though you were not really burning in the first place.
You are dizzy from the roller coaster that your social system is and though you yourelf are not spinning....You seem to feel it.
You seem to be the one swooning.
Recurring....Happening frequently--repeatedly.
That is chaos.it is not permanent--there are peaceful times.
There is steady static.Death is static.
But it all comes full circle.
Chaos is recursive...to such a large extent that we take it to be permanent..ruing over the fact that we can't do anything anytime..
because this entropy will never stop.
but you see as much as chaos is a part of the system that we reside in...it does go away too..this world isn't always plunged into chaos.But yes things do tend to approach towards it in their natural state.
Chaos is the most natural state of being but it can be altered.
On a microcosm at least.
And being able to understand when the right time pops in for you to get going,
That is the sum of all the shit.
That is the sum of everybody's shit.

Consequence

2006-09-11T02:01:00.002-05:00

Personal Significance and the related insecurities are quite an issue today.

Self -esteem...the thorn stuck into the flesh ever and always.
I grossly need a shot or two at times.

The fact that i am not entirely devoid of aesthetically/intellectual/emotional physiognomy does not/will not help.
I guess even Sophia Loren had her share of bad days,Marilyn Monroe definitely had more than a helping on this.Einstein,who's name has become synonymous with great intelligence and genius must have felt like a schmuck at times too.I bet that didn't stop his wife from screaming at him when she was mad--"You,stupid ugly rat___(insert expletive)

So me,oh i am small fry.
I dub thyself mud. I can't stop feeling ugly/stupid at times.
Worse, i can't stop feeling like nothing.Nothing at all.

So it is,
An issue because it really isn't all that far from any of us,though it does seem self-condescending
in retrospect.

Am I significant?
Do i matter?
Can i matter?
Did i make a difference?
Am i making a difference?
Will i make a difference right now/ever?
Is my existence worth its weight in the blood of greatness?
Is my life incomplete?
Am i incomplete?
Am i here at all?
I know i am alive but am i living?
Does anybody even care?
Do i care?
Bottom line is :Am i consequential?
In reference to 'do-i-have-a-consequence'.
Results are commonplace but consequence is a result refined by the entity of what we call thought.
BUT
We are not equipped adequately to decide what is consequential and what is not.
Or are we?

Whether the zillion hours spent in front of the television/in the cafe/reading Tolstoy/wandering in the parks with your sweetheart/Sitting it out in the beaches getting tanned/playing scrabble with your 6 year old cousin/fighting savagely with your siblings/Saving up to blow it all away at the next big gig serves purpose...that may seem nothing to you.
It may be the entire universe to me.
Suppose, I was in love with you.
Suppose i was too shy to open my mouth and tell you what i think/feel about you.
Suppose i was a dimwitted ugly freak and you were all lilies.
I may come up to you some day,gathering up all the courage there is in my veins,suck up every drop of it and call you up and talk about............... the weather.
That is priceless to me and that is consequential to me and that is nothing to you.
That is a purely a waste of time to you.
You are wondering whether i am spineless or just plain without that sliver of what potentially could be dubbed intelligence.
So consequence and the consequential differ from one individual to another,
It can not be tagged as a generalized perception of 'Consequence'.
There could be a common good.. to all.I may be planting trees for kicks.
It is of no consequence to me,it is what could keep the lungs intact and the air free someday.
It could potentially mean the world to everyone.
That someday could be here right now.Very soon indeed.
That single sapling-that is greatness in the making.
You are a part of greatness even though you are backstage.
You sung out while the vocalist was lip-syncing,selflessly/stupidly.
You will never be felicitated for being a tree planter.
But you are included , you are a piece of something that amounts/can amount to greatness.
Are you satisfied with that?
Or do you want to go about preaching your socks off talking about the environment and trees and then off for your cigarette break?
Isn't that what we do?
That surely sounds like something i could do.
Be hailed,be worthy of words that are worthless by themselves.
Go about trying to propel others to do things,to lunge forward while you yourself are condemned to stay where you stand.
Do you mind inertia?Does it bother you?
It is of no consequence.
The only consequence lies in the hands of others.
Quite an unfortunate fate I'd say.
Not something that i would want to be a part of,ever really.
But who really asks me 'what do you want,child'?

An Ode To Rage

2006-08-20T13:48:00.004-05:00

I sit crouching in dark corners
running away from shadows
Distended with shards that stick right into my nymph feet.
The pain begins somewhere,I cannot make where really though
but I know where it ends
in a muffled sob,in a shameful teardrop that falls to the ground below
Down to the bosom of an ever mocking earth
I slump into it's arms,waiting for the numbness to seep right in.
Waiting to lose persistent consciousness
till I can no more tell the blows from all that you give away.
Here I lie,in wait with this dull sense of pain in the chest
Wait for it to let me be,to flow away,pour out finally
but it never does,building till i can taste it's bitterness
Yes,taste it once again.
I struggle to pacify the beast that heaves within
struggle to end this malady,this little theater of sin
Spinning dizzy in a vortex set in my skull alone.
My spine turns twisted
looking for a sun that shelters in a land of stone
Head bent,fingers bleeding,
bowed double under the weight of pain
This is me,the dying beast-angry and confused
Indeed rage is of no use.
Flailing in a vortex that consumes all
We lie writhing in vileness that never goes away.
So I totter broken,but this vacuum too will not stay.

I Am

2006-07-21T07:53:00.004-05:00

I am the searing pain in your head
a rush of blood, a shot of adrenaline.
I am the toxic hurt that makes you crawl
like the million unfathomable monsters on your walls.
A pang of regret that is ruining your days
a sharp strike on your knuckles for your stupid ways.
A foolish thought that just landed on your bed
a supersonic brainwave that just entered your head.
A malevolent urge for utter pain
six feet of needles going right through your brain.
A bullet that just grazed you by the side
an insane itch down below,an unkempt stack of lies.
I am your alter ego,the other,your so much better half
the pool of tears sunk within, the twisted twinkle when you laugh.
A fly buzzing around you all day
with you for you ever and always.
A splintered kiss on your full lips
a gruesome view of an utter bliss.
I am the oscillating pendulum that ticks time away
The path you refused,the love you pushed away.
A bruise that still makes you cringe in pain
royal stupidity that everyone dubbed profane.
A warning call u just didn't heed in time
and now u give in to mercy sublime.
I am the sagging weight,the paunch that slips away
that deformed belly, rotundness that involuntarily sways.
The slouch in your walk,the bags under your eyes
that voluminous jump you seem to have made only in size.
I am the intellectual squint that came about in time
I am you,who metamorphosized
from a happy unaware naked child to an oppressed aware naked adult.
I am the things you did,the goodness and the evil within.
All that comes to the surface, be it your beauty
be it ugliness that beats against the chest urgently.
The solid rock you can grab when you seem to fall
that is me,lying in wait to bring you back where you belong.

A certain shade of green

2006-06-28T12:46:00.001-05:00

Tell me, is that what you need? All signs around say move ahead. Could someone please explain to me your ever present lack of speed?Are your muscles bound by ropes? Or do grudges cloud your day? My sources say the road is clear,and street signs point the way.

Are you gonna stand around 'till 2012 A.D.? I think I grew a gray watching you procrastinate.What are you waiting for,A certain shade of green?

Would a written invitation signed, "Choose now or lose it all," sedate your hesitation? Or inflame and make you stall? You've been raised in limitation, but that glove never fit quite right. The time has passed for hand-me-downs, choose a new, please evolve, take flight!

Phew! Now that was a breather from Incubus!

Yes,That Would Be Me...

2006-06-19T12:13:00.002-05:00

So you woke up this morning tired like shit.
You rubbed your sleepy slits up & dragged your groggy ass back to life.

You tolerated all of those fuck symphonies in your head.The worst ever & most jarring STUFF. Everyone of them straining,shrieking,agitatedly like those freedom fighters we hear about but never get to see :'those' revolutionary radical rogues(alliteration experts courtesy) ,they must be be let out.So you decided to do just that.
Yep,you puked it all out.
Damn,that was smart!!
You feel your stomach lining up all the way to your ribs,the hydrochloric acid that your teacher taught you about in 7th grade is hanging out so random like kids skittering about dizzily.
Your intestines are rolling out like the red carpet u saw at the XYZ awards ceremony.....
You pick up the newspaper looking for some little scrap of goodness,one little piece of shit that can make you feel better,one damn headline that could/would light you up---& no you can't find it in this jumble,the insane mess of oddities before you.
So you flung that newspaper away.Putting it away sure made you feel SO much better..You are the swatter of the ever buzzing flies NO make it worse,yeah BUGS,mad gooey ugly as fuck bugs.....You bring down one,bring your hand a little up in a 'YAY' gesture,but the bugs just never really go away do they..like acne,like ex-boyfriends/girlfriends,like jealousy,like problems BIG TIME problems...recurring.. wounds healing only to be bled yet again.
And now you switch on your 'not so personal' PC's,plug in to the conundrum of modern pop culture,hoping to find something you seem to have lost or retain what may be losing gradually.

You prance upon this web page,u just had to click it.Yes,it was destiny.Inevitable,just completely 'had to happen!!!
You sit cursing silently,wondering 'WHAT DID I REALLY DO TO DESERVE THIS"?????
But you go on reading mindlessly because its kind of fun to read to read what goes into a person's head.
What kind of moron would write this shit...really & i am wondering what kind of moron would read this shit..

Raptured Sways

2006-06-14T04:13:00.002-05:00

The thorns on my side
hurt yet again
My pain manifest
in a splintered sense
this cringing of your ever-mocking eyes
that look down
upon the world in glee
I was that river of mystery,
that you looked upon
in raptured sways
But you could not fathom me,
yes u could not cross
the depth of blue
in these vacant eyes
we lie yet again in shreds,
in bits of vacuum
in sinking nothingness
incomplete without
the senselessness
that runs in rivulets
of stunted thought
wound to this lovely spark
that comes to naught.

The Last Embrace

2006-06-12T05:49:00.003-05:00

So we begin to ponder over
matters of greatness

And urgency that presses
against the chest
gentle yet choking
in its vice grip
i find myself yielding
unto the wastefulness
that you fill up when
you walk right upon me
breathing into me profanity
with such exemplary zeal,
These purposive stares
do not deserve you
Our beauty will never
be returned to us
Our youth will be off
with the shallow sunsets
let us take this moment whole
complete in its fragility
in all its sickening purity
embrace the loveliness
in us today
hoping that it stays
another day

The Anthem

2006-04-29T02:36:00.002-05:00

I feel slighted,downtrodden and oppressed
Arrogance is my pillar of strength
It is that blessed vice that completes me
Rage makes me only better,sharper,stronger
putting me on the edge of reason
right where i belong
giving no heed to anything,anyone,any form
but the bloated self
Yes that damned ambivalence needs to leave
the doubts,the blatant incomprehension
Hatred gives me the beacon
And i shall carry it to the end of space
relentless,unfailingly consistent
Persistence to the point of no return
a blinding all consuming madness
There is no time to keep,to reflect
No mirrors to display the surface
No instrument to deconstruct me
To get under the skin I'm clad in
or to reveal what lies beneath my surface
To pull me out of the haze i revel in
You must sink within the evil that binds me
Darkness gifts me light again
Love-Beauty-Health-Happiness
They only destroyed me
because they were but momentary
Empty promises tied to strings held with nothing but hope
Hope that is nothingness itself
They left me grovelling in misery
flailing my legs wildly in murky seas
So i choose to let go of weakness
My hope is rage,incomplete without the inheritance of loss
A loss i embrace today.

Our Shreds Of Bliss

2006-04-25T09:44:00.003-05:00

You are choking me up,
but I cant deny
That this pain is the most i can be.
Your bringing me down,
sinking me into that sea of nothingness
but I can't face what lies beyond your shreds of bliss.
I choose to hold on to your stunted love again,
clutching closer to the self this crown of pain.

Losing To The Self

2006-04-15T07:06:00.004-05:00

I am the pain manifest
I am the thorns you clutch to your chest
the needle pricks a trifle too late
sit & weep for our cursed fate
Yes i am nothingness
I am that magnanimously silly shit that you'd never take
but oh it does belong so well
yeah,i am losing the self to you
i am losing the grace that i can't replace
& your losing your head falling away
tumbling into a vacuum so deep you cant define
you sit out waiting to be thrown a line
So darkness descends into me once again
& there it goes ringing,that refrain
take this misery away
take away this love
slay this evil that breeds within
what separates my love from hate
has drifted out away from me
i cant deny the self is lost
i writhe twisted again,lines crossed
the pain so alive
leaving me devoid of the life that was mine
the concentricity that i lived in is breaking out in flames
the mob of haze before the eyes is here & gone
skittering away concealed
into the womb of the creator & the wise
swatters of the ever buzzing flies
Now reality bites into the flesh
& by pure shock i see what i never could
then ever sweet pain gushes into my brain
champagne dripping from the ceilings
with a purity so profane,so untamed
i give in into the open arms that take me in
You purify me,distilling the noise trapped within
You make me whole,bringing back all that holds me in my place
i look sozzled but i can see your face
Your loveliness so divine
it takes me away
& i hold myself together pensively
hands held fervently yet frantic
groping for the last of a faith that was yet never was
& i can't let go of this killer weed
so i sink into the vortex again
dizzy of a vertigo stuck once again
waiting for the hurt to set in.
yes,i am residence to pain
that belongs absolutely to me.

Ikarus.

Please Disregard.

*Everliving,Everloving,Everlasting*

A Leap of Faith

*The Neverending*

*All that Remains*

*A Reminder*

*Forgiveness*

*Sigh with Happiness*

The Pain Killer..

*To Mnemosyne*